Four and a half years ago we welcomed this little man into our lives. We were so excited to have another little boy in our lives. We just knew that he and Ben would be best friends. Ian was a pretty good baby but there were things that we noticed about him that were different. He would always look around and he very rarely smiled. The worst part was that he did not like his dad or anyone else touching him. I spent a lot of time carrying him around because I was the only one he didn't cry with. We just figured he was not like Ben and we were wrong to compare him to his brother. When 6-9 months rolled around and he should be sitting up, he wasn't. He didn't start to crawl until he was almost 14 months and then he did not walk until he was almost 2. He never had much to say and did not start to talk until he was almost 3. As time went on, we became more and more concerned. He would not (and still does not) interact with other kids very much. He loves and play with his brothers but he prefers to be himself when he is in a group. We knew that was probably something going on, but that is hard to admit as a parent.
The older Ian got the more aggressive he got. He started getting physical and throwing outrageous tantrums. He was too strong for me to really do anything without getting hurt. At this point, we knew that he was a danger to himself and his brothers. About 9 months ago, we called and made an appointment with a psycologist. We had to get to the bottom of this issue. We could not continue to live like this. No one was happy, especially Ian.
I took him Ian three different days and he went though 2 hours of testing each day. While he was in with the psychologist, I sat in the waiting area filling our pages upon pages of questionarres. As I sat there filling all these in I started to feel guilty. Maybe, it was my fault he was this way. It must have been something during the pregnancy that made him this way. After I felt guilty, I started to feel mad. Why was this happening to us? As time went on I began to realize I was grieving. I was grieving for him, his future, for us and how it has affected us. This really surprised me. I never thought it would be that big of a deal, but it has been a huge deal.
After all the testing was over, we met with the psychologist again and he started to throw our words like PDD, occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, speech therapy, possible seizure disorder, ADHD, and the list went on and on. I started shutting down. Too much information, too fast. He wanted Ian to see a pediatrician who specializes in mental illness before we went any further. I went home that day not feeling any better. I didn't feel like we had accomplished anything. I would just have to wait and see what the pediatrician had to say. I went home not understanding anything, wondering how in the heck we were going to pay for everything.
Two weeks later we had our appointment with the pediatrician. Once again I filled out piles of paperwork beforehand and walked into another appointment not knowing what he would say. We went in and the doctor was amazing. I felt like we had finally found someone who could really help us. He asked me lots and lots of questions about Ian, about our family, about Ian's pregnancy, and he explained that it was important for him to know all that he could so that he could best help Ian. As the appointment went on he informed me that he did not believe Ian had a seizure condition. GREAT, I thought. However, (he says, never good when they say that), Ian does have PDD (which is on the Autism spectrum), severe ADHD, a mood disorder, anxiety, sensory issues, and the list, once again, went on. I asked him where we went from here. He told me that he needed to be on a very low dose of a medicine to help control some of the symptoms so that he could be receptive to all the therapy he is going to need. He also wanted to have his hearing tested and he would need to see him every month to monitor him on the medication. I asked him why he had all these issues. He informed me that they have no idea what causes a lot of these things. He did tell me that if my thyroid had not been properly monitored, that may have contributed to it. If thyroid levels are not where they should be in the mom it affects the development of the babies brain. (It was shortly after I had Ian that I had my thyroid removed because it was such a challenge to control.) However, he said that they don't know anything for sure as to why these things happen. I told him there was no way we could afford all these services he was going to need and he told me of some programs that will help pay for it.
So where are we today? Ian is responding really well to the medication. It does make him a little sleepy but even that gets better each day. We are still in the process of getting the hearing test done and the therapy set up. He is in a really good pre-school for kids with special needs and he loves it.
Bob and I were really surprised how this whole thing affected us. You always tell yourself that it doesn't matter because they are your kid and you would do anything for them. This is so true, but when you say those things you have no idea how these special needs will affect you and your family. We have spent many nights praying. Praying for the strength to know what to do for him. Praying that we can good parents to him. Praying that he can grow up to go to college, serve a mission, have a family and career. We want him to be able to do what he wants when he grows up. We pray that this does not get so out of control that he can't control himself. We pray for the strength to deal with the every day challenges that occur. We don't feel good enough to have such a special spirit in our lives. We are worried that we are going to screw him up. However, we know that we have to move forward in faith. We have to rely on Heavenly Father for strength and guidance. We have to find the joy that he brings us every day, every hour, and not let it get shadowed by the bad. Most of all we have to love him, always.
